July 25, 2008

Why my house is a big fucking mess

It's a deliberate choice:

Women are kind of fucked, as we've gone over time and time again. We've internalized the idea that a) a neat house is necessary for peace of mind and b) that no one else will do that for you. Some men are neat people and feel the same, but it's clear that in many, probably most houses, men just don’t have these same pressures. Unless a man goes out of his way to do 50% of the work, then, women are going to be stuck with most of the housework. Women get angry, and then men say, well just let it go like I do. Half of those men are full of shit and will start complaining as soon as they see how messy things really can get, and the other half just don’t understand how cruel it is to tell someone that her peace of mind just isn’t that important. Is that their fault? Are they bad people? Are they sexist? Well, only so far as most of us are, but I’d say not really. They just haven't walked in your shoes and they don't know what it's like.

That's from a post at Pandagon. I had a conversation with some friends the other day, and was trying to explain to them why having my house look like a shithole was a healthier choice than trying to keep it clean. One friend said, "well, it's easier. " But I replied, no, really, it's healthier. It's not easier, or it wasn't initially. What would have been easy would be to step right into the trap of traditional gender roles without thinking. To decide that it was my job to clean the house based on the fact that other people would judge me for the size of my dust bunnies, and the vague feeling of dread that it reflected on me as a person if my house wasn't clean. That's definitely the unhealthy. What's hard is the unlearning, the deciding that it really doesn't matter, the choosing to spend energy outside. It's hard to let go - really let go - of a lifetime of social programming.

Would I like my house to be clean? Sure! And I'd also like a pair of new Fluevog boots, size 39 to be delivered once a month, along with a fresh box of tropical fruit ice cream and sorbet flown in from Manaus (leave out the cupuacu but don't forget the umbu). And for there to be no homeless doggies or kitties. And world peace.

I know there are people in my family - and surely some friends too - who are or would likely be appalled at my housekeeping. Big fucking deal. I have jobs and hobbies, and being bound by gendered standards or housework isn't among them. Also missing from the list is nagging and/or being resentful of a partner who doesn't care about housecleaning, as well as is taking up the slack for a partner who declines to clean up. If the person I live with doesn't give a fuck, well then, fuck! I don't give a fuck either. There are a couple of exceptions, such as crap on the toilet seat or kitty litter outside the box, but otherwise if it isn't going to put me in the hospital, fuck it.

As long as the bed is clear for sleeping, I'm good.

p.s. Also, this comment is right on target.

Posted by binky at July 25, 2008 11:18 PM | TrackBack | Posted to Culture


Comments

Argh! This is not what I need to read right now. Before hiring a service -- I've been on the brink for months -- I decided I had to make one more good faith effort to do it myself. So I tried something new: breaking the house into four pieces, and assigning one per week. Since the house is too big -- or my commitment too small -- to do the whole thing over a binge weekend every so often, I figured the rotation might be better. No more than two hours of work at any one time, the pleasure of something always being reasonably clean, no room ever becoming intolerable, as I live a fairly neat life.

But even this (now in its fourth week) is a challenge of sorts, even as I appreciate that the house looks relatively good these days (four weeks passes quickly, and the sad reality is that nothing was getting truly cleaned every four weeks over the past couple of years). I don't need someone to vindicate my rationalizing sense that I've got better things to do than clean my bedroom and the TV room today!

Seriously, I long since passed passing judgment on the less than sparkling clean. Indeed, I've grown suspicious of the most obsessively shiny homes. It's sort of like stereo equipment: past a certain threshold of quality, the incremental benefit of going from pretty clean to eat-off-the-floor clean requires so much ongoing effort that I wonder about people willing to invest that much time in such a small benefit.

In short, I'm with you Binky!

Posted by: moon at July 27, 2008 09:14 AM | PERMALINK
Post a comment









Remember personal info?