Bloodless Coup

The Return of Baltar, Maybe (Drunk-Blogging Bad Movies)

So, I'm bacheloring this weekend. Thus, I can officially take the night off. Thus, in an attempt to do some more Baltar Movie Reviews, I'm drinking, eating dinner, and watching bad movies. We'll see how it goes. I let whimsy decide, so it looks like we're watching some Costner/Kutcher monstrosity about saving people from drowning (The Guardian) first, and then transitioning to the main course, dead Greeks (300).

I'm putting this below the fold, so you can ignore it if you want.

Right, on with the show.

I don't know much about "The Guardian." I caught a bit of "Bull Durham" the other day, so I thought I'd see what Costner was up to these days. This movie involves helicopters, and people jumping out of them into an ocean. That's all I know (that, and Costner is too old to do action movies, so I'll be curious).

That dude, who played the bad guy in "Highlander" is doing a voice-over intro.. People are swimming around in a hurricane. This is exciting! I have another drink.

Costner just smacked somebody in the head. Acting! I have another drink. Oh, the guy was panicing, and Costner had to whack him to save the girl. Nope. One dead. I have another drink.

SURPRISE. She's not dead. Costner saves her. I have two drinks.

The helicopter, previously flying in a hurricane, is now landing in a cloudless sky. Small hurricane. Must be global warming.

Ah, the guy from Highlander. He's Costner's boss. That's cool. He needs work. I have a drink to celebrate his acting job.

Costner arrives home to find his wife (Sela Ward; I had to look that up) moving her stuff out of the house. Interpersonal Drama! Costner complains about how he saves lives so he shouldn't have to talk to his wife. His wife claims she needs to rescue herself (A pun! See, he's a rescue guy, and she needs to rescue herself. Except his type of rescue isn't what she needs!). I have another drink.

Costner gets called back to base! It's an emergency! I have another drink! I'm done with exclamation points!

Oh, it's dark now. That happened fast.

The hurricane is back. Some cargo ship is sinking. The helicopter has a mechanical failure, but Costner pushes on! (sorry, one more exclamation point.) I think we've hit most major cliches here: interpersonal conflict, manly-jobs, exciting ships, water, ignoring orders to save lives. Huh.

Costner is saving some people; nothing exciting. He really is too old for this. But since he's in a survival suit, you can't see any saggy muscles, so he looks OK. His helicopter got hit by a rogue wave, and there are lots of people and pieces flying around. Mass chaos. Costner saves his "wingman" (or whatever the partner to the diver in a Coast Guard helicopter is called). Lots of drama.

This is all introductory. Costner and "wingman" (they haven't even given him a name yet) are left floating in a life raft, waiting for rescue (see the irony? They were the rescue, but now they need rescue. You can't pay enough for writing this sharp).

The lack of writing begin to remind me why Hollywood makes such bad movies. I have another drink.

In a surprise to no one, Costner wakes up in a hospital. He's fine (we next see him walking around the CG base); but his partner (we never learned his name) is dead. His CO (The Kurgan! - actual name is Clancy Brown, but we'll forever call him The Kurgan!, with the exclamation point - he's that cool) is reading him a trite line about how Costner, now past 40, must move over to be an instructor. Huh. That's a new plot twist. Haven't seen that before.

Costner protests; that's new. He reluctantly goes. That's new, too.

Change of scene: a bunch of really young people on a bus. Huh. Wonder what they are here for?

Hey, Kutcher thinks he hot shit. He's acting like he has an attitude. I wonder if he thinks he's really good, and doesn't really need training, and he's better than all the old guys training him? That plot line has never been used before. Huh. Kutcher just said he'd break all of Costner's records; and Costner was standing RIGHT BEHIND HIM. That's never happened before, either. Who the fuck wrote this shit?

We now have the obligatory "first PT of the class" scene. Pushups. Running. Yelling. Posturing. Costner throws them all in the water and tells them they have to tread water for an hour, or they get tossed. That's also new. How much do writers get paid? Oh, now a lesson in teamwork ("You should have saved him"). Christ, did anyone pay money for this?

Ah, now Costner is offending the trainers. They don't like his hot shit new methods. Goddamn. I really need to drink more. This isn't so much bad as it is boring. There isn't anything here that hasn't been done seven hundred times before. The Coast Guard angle is new, but other than that, nothing here isn't done in every other military/male-bonding movie that has been made in the last 25 years. And now, while I tried to pause and write something more pithy, they've done it again. All the cadets are going off to crash a wedding reception (while Costner gets drunk and calls his estranged wife). The cadets are getting drunk. Jesus, couldn't they actually find anything new to throw in here? Anything new at all?

Stud Costner is now out at the old-people's bar (all the other old trainers are hanging around, so that's how you know); he's found the old crone (the old person who is the font of all wisdom; this is crone is a good sense) to talk about all his life's problems (getting old, lack of wife, career change, etc.). The cadets are betting on who gets to pick up the hottest girls. I need several drinks. Like I said, this isn't so much bad as just boring.

I understand why Hollywood needs to make these; they are, in their own way, the bread-and-butter of the industry. There isn't anything new here; we know that. But by putting Costner and Kutcher in a predictable situation (as noted, nothing new is happening with the story) you get people to come out and see the stars. The selling point here isn't the story, but the stars. Nothing more. (Costner is having flashbacks to his rescue disaster; this isn't new.) Movies are made to make money; that's fine. I object to the passionless story this one is telling. (Kutcher is successfully managing to make the local hottie interested in him; like I said nothing new.) I think what offends me is the casual way that Hollywood makes this crap and expects us to pay for it. Would you buy a mediocre car; a mediocre meal; a mediocre book? I mean, you might (if it was discounted), but movies aren't discounted. They are all the same price, so you get to see this piece of crap for the same price as (choose your favorite actually good movie at this point). Hell, Highlander was better than this (cheesy, but better). It's the casual disdain for the average moviegoer (one who just wants to go out and see something better than "Delta Farce" but less intellectual than "Memento") is depressing. This is, after all, basically an "average" movie. And, basically, it sucks. Thus, one can conclude (my sample size is beyond this single movie), that Hollywood thinks we're idiots. After all, the average movie just sucks. And that's depressing; it's beyond depressing, it's (as I've said) insulting.

Sigh. And, it's boring. It's not that I require every movie to be Casablanca or Indiana Jones (or Highlander); it's that I'd like every movie to, at least, be interesting. (Oh, and Kutchner proves to have a dark past - his swim team died in a car crash while he wasn't there. I'm guessing Kutchner wasn't in the van/bus/car for some reason; nope - I was wrong, he was driving, but "it was just an accident" (Costner). OOOOOOOh. Acting! Plot!) At this point I just want this to be over. I"m hoping that 300 will be either much worse or much better (I'm betting on worse).

How many millions did they spend on this?Christ; Costner just said "Save the ones you can; the rest you have to let go." Fuck me. And now their both out drinking, and about to get into a bar fight. Can this be any more dumb?

They all graduated; Costner gives up on being an instructor and goes back to active duty. In a surprise, Kutcher is assigned to the same place. And their training mission is now an actual rescue. Sigh. Why are they so predictable (though, to be honest, I'm not sure what else they could have done at this point). This movie is almost done (and it's lost it's way a long time ago).

In case anyone cares, I've given up on this movie. There's some very extended sequence where Stud Costner quit, but Kutchner went out (for his first rescue) and got in over his head, and Stud Costner was the only one available, so he goes out to save Kutchner, and now they are both trying to get off a sinking ship. I haven' blogged this 'cause it's so predictable. I'm also predicting that Costner dies, but I could be wrong on that.

Nope; wasn't wrong on that. Depressing (they can do mood music), but predicable.

And Bryan Adams to finish the whole thing. I'm not sure I've seen such an average movie (in all possible respects) before. So boring I couldn't even make fun of it.

Now, this next one, 300, maybe. All I know is that it's a version of a comic book version of the famous stand of 300 Spartans at Thermopylae. And that many people said it was bad. That really is all I know. It's a war movie set in the historical past, so it's consistent with my reviews of Troy and the other ones. I suppose it was inevitable that I'd see this. How bad could it be?

Uh, I'm trying to start the movie, and their running an ad for a Superman comic (on video). This is not a good sign. If you are advertising for Superman fans, this isn't a good sign.

Some sort of guy with a British accent is claiming some kids birth is amazing; the kid kicked ass at combat from age 5 or something. "He was taught to give his life for Sparta" or something. Now they are showing people ritually beating him. OK. I'd be annoyed to. The initiated him by throwing his ass out into the wild, where it snows. And there are wolves. I might buy wolves (big, ugly, Warg-like wolves, by the way), but did it ever snow in Greece? Kid kills the wolf (I guess they let him back into Sparta). Cue the music.

Now we see him in color. Scrawny little kid. Turns out to be Leonidis (spelling?), the king of the Spartans. And someone is making a speach about how Sparta is the world's great hope for Reason and Justice. Uh, no. Athens was somewhat more democratic. Sparta was the authoritarian end of the spectrum; Athens was the democratic. I guess we'll ignore that historical fact.

About half of what I've seen thus far has been in slo-mo; I'm wondering if the movie would take about 35 minutes if you just ran the whole thing at regular speed.

A pack of six, I dunno, African Archers? has shown up with a mess of skulls in Sparta. I have no idea what this means. Ah; this is the Persian messenger (the Persians are the bad guys; I know this from the ads). The African Archers are Persians (uh, huh?); the King (Leonidis) just told the Persian messenger that he (as is everyone) is responsible for their message. Uh, "don't kill the messenger?" Why would anyone ever bring Leonidis any bad news, if they would be held responsible for whatever news they brought. This thing is three minutes old, and already makes no sense.

Ah, the Persian Ambassador insults the King's woman ("what makes you think a woman can address me" or something); we are supposed to dislike Persian even more (they oppress women!) except that the King's Woman's response is "only Spartan women produce Spartan men" or something like that (meaning women only bear studly kids). This is not equality. I realize I'm supposed to dislike the Persians, but the heavy-handedness of the story is grating already (and we're only five minutes in).

Just so we recap here: the Spartans are good because the are virile and send their kids out to face wolves at an early age; the Persians are bad because ominous music plays when they are on screen. It makes no sense, but it is easy to remember.

The Persians have asked for submission. This means War! (why the Persians have asked for this remains unclear.)

Why does Leonidis have a British accent?

Uh, the Athenians are "boy lovers"? And this is somehow an insult? Hey, Leonidis, they turned down the Persians before you did; I wouldn't make fun of them.

Leonidis is, in fact, killing the messenger for his message. He's just dumped him in a big pit (why not just run him through?). This would, presumably, make it difficult for anyone to actually negotiate with Sparta (as anyone who brings the King any sort of proposal that would be unacceptable, would find themselves killed. Ultimatums (which might, if they were strong enough, get accepted) might seem to be the only way to talk to Sparta. This, by they way, is insane an ahistorical.

Following that political exchange, Leonidis is climbing a mountain. Perhaps he is insane.

Oh, oracles. Yeah, it makes sense that Sparta would need mystical oracles. Oh, the Spartans face Persians who number in the millions. And, explains Leonidis, we'll rebuild a wall and funnel the Persians into some sort of narrow killing field, where the Spartan superior quality will prevaill. Eh. Nice tactics, but, as the saying goes, "numbers have their own quality;" superior technology/system/people will only get you so far, before masses will swamp you. This isn't a new military tactic. Leonidis should know this.

Jesus, now the Queen is claiming that Leonidis should be horny as a mountain goat, or at least be unaffected by the various doomy pronouncement by oracles. Uh, maybe he's got other things on his mind (are their actually a million Persians?).

Leonidis has summoned 300 (all who have sons); the council (????) claims that Leonidis can't go to war without council permission. Leonidis just shrugs, and says the 300 are his personal bodyguard, and are out for a stroll. I guess I understand all those who claimed this was a parallel to W's way of acting (Congress? I don't need no stinking Congress!). Still, fairly silly.

Uh, except that a bunch of non-Spartans just showed up. Uh, 300? Is it more? That sorta defeats the myth, I think (though I think I read somewhere that the 300 Spartans brought some slaves, who fought with them, so maybe this is accurate). Still, the posturing of the Spartans ("we brought 300 warriors, you brought a bunch of potters, sculptors and farmers") is noteworthy. It's worth noting, at this point, that most of the wars of the 20th Century (whoever won them) were won by conscript armies (not professionals). There are exceptions (Israel comes to mind), but not many. I think the line I quoted earlier ("quantity is it's own quality") is likely to be ignored by this movie.Now, the Persian fleet is assaulted by weather (hurricane winds/rain) and bad music (heavy metalish nonsense). This is seen as a victory by the Spartans. It really was bad music, so I guess I could see this.

There seems to be treachery in the Spartan camp. The Queen is approached by someone who wants something. She responds with a platitude ("Freedom isn't free at all; it comes with a cost in blood."). I wonder how the Spartan slaves felt about that.

The Spartans have climbed a hill, and discovered that heavy metal isn't as effective as they'd hoped; lots of Persians are invading. Should'a used Warrant or Ratt or something - much more effective.

OK, so the Spartan chuckles at seeing the massed Persian, and the Arcadian (Athenian?) wonders why. The Spartan says, as a professional warrior, he's always wondered if someone could be man enough (I'm interpreting here) to actually be able to kill him. The Arcadian (Athenian?) looks at him like he's crazy. Which he is. One of the first things to recognize is that any idiot on any battlefield can get lucky enough to kill the veteran. It's the law of averages. These people are insane, no matter how good they think they are.

"Run along and tell your Xerxes that he faces free men here." Uh, no. Sparta didn't emancipate the slaves. Its just not a fact.

Leonidis just turned away some mutant (some dude who was turned out of Sparta) who claimed to be able to hold some goat-paths that led to the Spartan read. Leonidis turns him down (he can't hold his spear high enough), then walks over and says "there is a goat path; we don't have enough men; hope no one finds it." This is insane. Some guy just offered to guard it; the guard may not meet your ideal of physical perfection, but beggars can't be choosers. And, it seems, they seem to be discriminatory (and maybe racist; the Persians are mulitcultural, while the Spartans aren't).

OK, about a million or so Persians are wandering up to try to push the Spartans out of the way. Leonidis' speach is (and I quote exactly): "This is where we hold them. This is where we fight. This is where they die." That's profound. The Persians are calling for them to surrender; as usual, messengers get killed (this really would seem to cut down on negotiations).

They are making a big deal of the Spartan "hopplite" tactics and ability to counter the Persian masses (assumed to be untrained/unorganized masses). This is true, to a degree. But the movie shows lots of individual combat scenes (which defeats the whole purpose of the massed Spartan tactics). Then they show Persian archers launching thousands of arrows (which the Spartans defeat by staying behinds their sheilds); followed by Persian cavalry (whcih the Spartans defeat via their spears). Uh, yeah, but the point was to use multiple arms at the same time. While the Spartans are hiding from the arrows, you run the cavalry over them (in other words, make them do two things at once). This isn't rocket science; the Persians should know this.

OK, Leonidis is having a talk with Xerxes. Xerxes has some very expensive (20th century) voice modulation technologies. Nice voice. Of course, Leonidis won't give in to the bribes (make Leonidis king of all Greece), but claiming that the "free men of Sparta" are the ones that oppose Xerxes is silly; Sparta clearly had slaves.

Now the "Immortals" have been released upon the Spartans. And they brought a monster of some kind (something in chains they release), which Leonidis promptly kills.

You know, the funny thing is that very little of the fighting is the "Greek/Hopplite" organized fighting of history. It is true that Greece invented the organized (one man's shield protects another man's spear thrust) style of fighting; that was their strength. Once it disintegrates into one-on-one fighting, the Greeks lose their edge. Except that the movie ignores this; it seems to be mostly about every Spartan killing several multiples of the enemy (in violation of the strength of the Spartans; their organization). This makes a sexy movie, but ignores the real strength of the Spartans (their Hopplite organization). Leonidis seems successful.

The scene shifts to Sparta; the Queen asks some idiot to help her send reinforcements to Leonidis. The idiot seems to want sex (as opposed to money or power). Very odd; the argument here seems to be that behind-the-line-of-battle politics (which is never defined) is not irrelevant, but is at least less noble. And, clearly, there are traitors (evidenced by what the Queen must do to ensure reinforcements to Leonidis).

And now the Spartans discover that the (previously turned away; insufficiently virile) ex-Spartan who offered to defend the goat-paths, has (in fact) told the Persians where the goat-paths were (big surprise there). So, lots of bad stuff happening (both at the home front, and at the front). Leonidis predicts death (glorious, though). The non-Spartans leave the pass, leaving Leonidis (and whats left of the 300) to hold everything. The Queen (does she actually have a name, or is she defined by her role? goes to Parliament (or whatever the called it) to get help (she gets none; this isn't unexpected given the movie; yet more treachery)

Leonidis rejects a settlement with Xerxes, and calls an attack (300 against however many thousand Persians are hanging around the king). They all get slaughtered (including Leonidis). it's very noble, but not really intelligent (there were better places to attempt to get Xerxes). This serves as a rallying point for the Spartans the next year (about 10,000 of them) to hold off the returning Persians; the assumption is that Leonidis' actions have served as an anchor for the success of the Greeks a year later.

Posted by baltar at February 1, 2008 06:39 PM | TrackBack | Posted to Culture | Movies