Bloodless Coup

I am apprehensive. This entire series gets me feeling very ambivalent. The first one, I liked. Brendan Fraser doing what he should, within his range and not more. But then the subsequent films, and hair plugs. Sigh. The Rock, who I love for his ability to do self-deprecation and for being way smarter than he gets credit for, makes an appearance as the horrible Scorpion King in the family of movies. Jet Li, who is adorable/ass-kicking and makes even a shit movie like Romeo Must Die worth watching. And then there is Oded, who is all kind of Jesus-y-hot in the Mummy movie, but then also graces the Rob Schneider hell of "Deuce Bigelow." [shakes head]

Well we'll see what you think when you throw in Brendan Fraser playing dad to a guy born 13 years after he was, and Maria Bello (with an accent) taking the place of Ms. Weisz.

And for the record, I love Dwayne Johnson (ever since Southland Tales at least).

Watch the video I just posted. He does Barack Obama better than Fred Armison. Except then the writers make him do it in Hulk talk, at which point the skit deteriorates. But Johnson? Love him.

Same problem with the opening monologue. Some rather unfunny gay jokes (the writing screamed Andy Samberg on that score) - but Johnson was a great sport and fun throughout.

Yeah guys... I stopped watching the Mummy series after the first one. Okay, I admit to watching the Scorpion King (the Rock? need I say more?) but the rest of it? nooooooooooo. Stop wasting your netflix choices on these ones Armand!

You should also see Dwayne Johnson in the movie "Be Cool" which was the sequel to "Get Shorty." John Travolta's and Uma Thurman's roles are lame but the Rock brings it home - he's the funniest actor in the film.

Very afraid of his role in "Witch Mountain" though - is he regressing to kiddie films like Ah-nold Schwartznegger did (Kindergarden Cop)?

DJ's turn in Be Cool was hilarious. As was his Obama. But Bello for Weisz? Seriously? That's like subbing Richard Pryor for Chris Farley or something; the two women, both talented actresses, couldn't be much less similar, at least within the relative narrow band reserved for movie stars.

Speaking of which, and belatedly, an arguably perfect coupling (to my taste) was actually realized in Aronofsky's (in my view underrated) The Fountain -- Weisz and Jackman.

I would be willing to bet that I'm less excited about Jackman than almost anyone among the regulars here, but that (melo)dramatic turn was a ton of fun to watch, and there were some really tender, smoldering scenes between him and Weisz that floored me about as much as movie intimacy ever does. And Weisz is just crazy hot any time she's asked to be.

Love 'em both separately - didn't like that film at all. But hey, different strokes and all that.

And yeah, Bello didn't work. And that accent. Oy.

Oh god, the dialogue. Kill me. We just barely landed the parents in China. I feel a Baltar movie review coming on... let's see if I can summarize: they spend millions on special effects, hire Michele Yeoh, Jet Li, and Brendan Frazer, and can't figure out how to find enough money to hire someone who can act his way out of a wet fucking paper bag to play the son? Or a goddamned motherfucking WRITER?!?!

When the jewel thing opened: "I'm guessing... that's more than they paid the writers right there.

Sweet merciful gods, the chase scene... "there's a nother screenwriter right there" (the cost of the effects). But the DVD stopped working. I am almost hoping for good.

Yak vomit? Motherfucking yak vomit?!? The YAK YAKKED?!?!

Luke Ford? To channel Baltar again... "shot while being stabbed" Also, Baltar says "he's not even cute" and "oh fuck, the yak is still there."

FREE THE YAKS!!!

[cries] Not the one upping gun conversation. PENISES! WE...HAVE...PENISES!!!

Fucking YETI?!?! Armand, what have you done to me...

Yetis that know what touchdowns are?

If only the avalanche would take me. [whimper]

People can live an entire lifetime in one look... I watch my parents do it every day?!?

YAK VOMIT!!!

Alas, it is a school night and I cannot drown my sorrows.

OK, last time she gave the invocation in Sanskrit, and this time she does it in English? "Bring down the wrath of the oppressed?!"

"welcome to the 20th century"?! OK, this wasn't just written by committee, it was written by a committee of emotionally challenged morons.

OK, Michelle Yeoh and Jet Li, fighting. This should be fucking BAD ASS. And all they are doing is swords?

And "there's no call for bad language"? You'd better believe there's a call for bad language. A shitty fucking script calls for some fucking bad language, alright.

Oh no! The magic knife is broken!

OH! The MAGIC HEADBUTT!!! FATHER-SON TAG TEAM!!! ARGH! GAG! YAK!!!

Now, you can rule, IN HELL! [head slap} the honored dead vanish to dust... and now, back to Imhotep.

Oh please no, don't tell me they are going to make another one set in Peru. Please, please no. [whimper]

"Yetis that know what touchdowns are?"

Exactly! And yeah, you'd think Luke Ford would've at least been cute - or born when Fraser was in high school - yet alas no.

Amazed you didn't hit Bello. But yeah, fundamentally, when the writing is this lame ... does the rest matter?